Thursday, December 29, 2011

the ugliness

the longer i'm a wife and mother, the more i see my need for a sinfulness.

it's ugly.

sometimes, i can't stand to even look at myself in the mirror because i'm afraid of the ugliness that i might see.
it's those times that i don't want to pray, even though i need to, because i'm afraid of my sweet, heavenly Father seeing the ugliness that lives in me...pretending He doesn't already know it's there.

as i think about 2011, i think about all of the what ifs and should'ves...i think about situations that i handled sinfully, instead of gracefully...times when i let my flesh control my actions and words instead of the Holy Spirit.

and i wonder...

how could a completely sinless Father love me...a completely sinful daughter?
how could He, before the beginning of time, call me His own?

and i sit amazed...

amazed that He could love an overbearing, insecure, selfish, vain me!
amazed that, even after i continually fail or give up, that He stays beside me, never leaving me.

despite my failures, my insecurities, my misgivings, my unfaithfulness, He is always faithful, always there with an unending, unfailing love. oh, to love like Christ.

as 2012 approaches, i sit amazed and thankful.

thankful to be a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend. thankful for a Godly man who loves me and provides for our family, and who is supportive of me staying home with our children. thankful that, despite the lack of sleep and the stressfulness that comes along with parenthood, i get to wake up everyday and do something that i love. i get to spend my day with an amazing little boy and a sweet baby girl, and it's here that i'm thankful for God's love and grace that covers me. thankful that His grace abounds and pushes me towards becoming more like Christ. thankful that He doesn't give up on me.

yes, i'm most thankful for His grace because without it, there'd just be the ugliness...

for you, o Lord, are good and forgiving,
abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.
give ear, o LORD, to my prayer;
listen to my plea for grace.
in the day of my trouble i call upon you, 
for you answer me.
psalm 86:5-7

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