Monday, March 8, 2010

breastfeeding blunders...

so, last thursday night on the office, jim and pam had their baby...this isn't a blog about a tv show, just so you know...there is a point to this other than a recap!  there were the usual jokes from michael and the quick-witted, under-the-breath comments from jim, but, what made this episode different from any other episode for me is that we just had a baby in december.  we were reminded of what just happened for us 3 months ago...i can't believe it's been 3 months!! 
while i laughed at most of the show, i actually cried...i cried for 2 reasons:

1.  i always tear up when anything on a movie or show or real life has to do with motherhood and babies...those darn hormones!
2.  they started talking about breastfeeding...

let me explain..
i am not breastfeeding my baby.  i wanted to.  i really wanted to more than anything, but for some reason unbeknownst to me, i couldn't physically do it.  I tried from the first few hours of his precious life up until he was about 8 weeks old.  everytime i would try, he would cry and cry and cry...so then i would cry, which isn't good for the supply or let down...stress is bad for breastfeeding! i know what you are thinking...if you know anything about breastfeeding, experts say supply is based on demand...well, i'm sure that's true for most people, but for some reason, i had a low supply and a problem with let down (this was established after meeting with a lactation consultant)...i tried everything i possibly could to breastfeed...we spent a lot of money on breastfeeding helps such as an sns...which means supplemental nursing system...

so, you are supposed to put pumped breastmilk or formula in it, and then put this around your neck, like a necklace...then you tape the tubes to your breasts, but, you have to make sure you the tubes are synched so that way it doesn't leak...then, you unsynch it when your baby is at the breast to feed...this is a long explanation...needless to say, having to put this on every time to feed my baby wasn't a fun experience...it was messy and cumbersome...it was also $50.00!!  $50.00 for a plastic bottle and some tubes!! 
i also tried medication...i never knew there was medicine to help with breastmilk!  my baby's pediatrician prescribed me domperidone...so, i took this med 3 times a day for 20 days...then i was given a refill...this med isn't a normal med you can get at your local pharmacy...you have to go to a compound pharmacy, where they mix it for you...there is only one of these in our whole town! i didn't know this until we went to 3 different pharmacies in town...thankfully one of the pharmacists was nice enough to point me in the right direction, after the other 2 told me they had never even heard of this medicine...the compound pharmacy doesn't accept insurance...so, everytime i filled this prescription, there went another $45.00!!  i bought a nipple shield, thinking surely he would be okay with that because it's close to the nipple on a bottle...
so, while i took this med, i met with the mid-wife at my ob's office to help me with everything...she then had me meet with a wonderful lactation consultant, who worked with me for free!  she was wonderful, and i had actually worked with her before in the hospital when i had my sweet boy...so, she had me try different things...which i did...one of which was spending more money to buy a bra for handsfree pumping so i could pump and hold my baby at the same time to help with let down...i also tried relaxation techniques before breastfeeding...like taking a hot shower...etc...

...she kept telling me, "babies come back to their mommas"...meaning, even though i had given him a bottle ( i had to, because he would just scream and cry everytime i would try to breastfeed), we could work with him until he didn't cry at the breast! she even told me that babies that were in icu for whatever reason, who couldn't breastfeed because of their different situations would come back to their mom and breastfeed.  and, she's one of the best lactation consultants in our area...so, i had extremely high hopes!
however, this whole ordeal was very stressful...i would cry almost everytime i tried to breastfeed him because he would get so upset and stressed out...i just wanted to feed my baby!  i felt bad for my husband because i was so emotional!  he was wonderful through all of it...he would pray with me about it, and comfort me by telling me that our baby's growing and healthy and that it's fine for him to have the bottle...
i just couldn't give up, though...i knew our baby was healthy and growing, but i wanted the joy of bonding with my baby by breastfeeding...
 the whole time i was trying all of this, i was pumping to try to build up supply...pumping isn't fun!  i would pump for 30 minutes and only get about 1/2 an ounce!  1/2 an ounce!! how rediculous!  i was so excited if it went above that little line on the bottle...but that was rare!

needless to say, i tried my hardest for 8 weeks... it was making me depressed...i was tired of feeling sad about it, and just wanted to enjoy my baby...

during this time, i had wonderful friends and family members remind me that GOD is in control of all things, and he created Jude and planned his life before he was even a thought in my mind...

"even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, or darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."  Psalm 139:12-14

what a wonderful and comforting thought...the LORD has all things under control, and i just needed to let go...it was okay for me to feed my baby a bottle...i myself wasn't breastfed, and i turned out ok!  he's healthy and growing like a weed!  i enjoy him so much, and feeding him is still my special time that i get to share with him...i still get upset a little...like during the office, but now i rest in the promises that come from GOD's word...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  Jeremiah 29:11-13


                                                                                                

5 comments:

  1. love the picture of him. so presh. at least you came to your senses and were depressed for 8 weeks... i was depressed about it all for 8 months! ha! love the verses. it's so encouraging to know that God has ordained us to be the mama's of our babes from the beginning of time. oh, btw, can i borrow the necklace?! : ) j/k.

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  2. The important thing is you tried- you really really really tried! And there are many, many ways we bond and nourish our babies, not just through nursing. You have a loving home, and Jude is beautiful!

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  3. julie,
    I am glad you are in the blogging and mommy world now! I think there are so many things as a mommy that can give "mommy guilt" especially when they just don't work out the way you always planned! Big Props to you for trying so hard. I too have spent time hanging out with a LC! YOur little guy is adorable and looks nice and healthy! I know you are a wonderful mommy!

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  4. Julie you are such a fabulous momma! He is seriously the cutest thing! I am so proud of all your hard work! I promise that baby will ALWAYS need his momma even still. I freaked out with Darby when my milk ran out and one reason cuz I wanted her to still need me oh but she did and still does!

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  5. I'm to thrilled you visited me sweetie!! It's such an adventure being a new mama isn't it? And oh the breastfeeding woes I could tell you about. My first one was great... my second was the opposite. I had to pump and supplement because she wouldn't latch on, then she wasn't gaining, and I was panicking, and the more I panicked and stressed out, the harder it was and on and on, all the while my two year old was terrorizing the neighborhood with his antics, I was packing a house and moving into another. All. During. The. First. Month.

    I can't really remember much.

    Other than the fact that chocolate became my BFF.

    You are precious. Glad to "meet" you.

    Blessings,
    LMM

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